Deciding to get divorced is never easy. But breaking the news to your children is even harder.
While you and your spouse may have come to terms with the decision, the news can come as a shock to your children.
However, this is not a conversation you can avoid for long, so it helps to handle it as carefully as possible.
Here are eight tips for telling your children about divorce.
#1 Plan where and when you’ll say it
Telling your children that you are getting divorced is not something that should be blurted out in the moment.
The time and place you tell them are just as important as what you say.
Try to choose a time that gives them space to take in the news with you as a family. A weekend or school holiday can work well, as it means they will not have to go straight into school the next day.
Be mindful that the news is likely to upset them in both the short and medium term. It is usually best to avoid telling them on or near holidays or special occasions such as Christmas and birthdays.
It is also important to have the conversation at home, where they are likely to feel most comfortable. That can make it easier for them to express their emotions and ask questions.
#2 Tell your children together
If possible, you should break the news together with your ex-partner.
That will not be suitable for every situation, especially if your ex was abusive. But where it is appropriate, presenting a united front can reassure your children that you are both still committed to caring for them.
Telling all your children at the same time also helps you control the message about why you are getting divorced, rather than allowing misunderstandings to spread between siblings. It is important that your children hear the news directly from you.
That said, although it is best to speak to them together at first, you may need follow-up conversations with each child individually, especially if they are different ages. Older children may need a fuller explanation than younger ones.
#3 Don’t blame your partner for the break-up
Try to avoid blaming the divorce on your ex.
That can be difficult, especially if you feel they are responsible for the split. But when speaking to your children, focusing on blame rarely helps.
What matters more is reassuring them that they are loved and will continue to be supported.
As far as possible, frame the divorce as a joint decision. That can help prevent your children from feeling that one parent is at fault.
#4 Explain why you’re getting divorced
You will need to give some explanation for why you are getting divorced.
While it is not appropriate to share every detail, your children do need a simple reason for why their lives are about to change.
Again, avoid blaming your ex. Aim for a broad explanation that children of different ages can understand.
Some things you could say include:
- “We tried hard to make our relationship work, but we could not get past our differences.”
- “We want different things from life.”
- “We want to be friends, but we do not love each other in the same way anymore.”
The important thing to remember is that the reasons for divorce are complicated adult issues. Children do not usually have the emotional maturity to fully understand them.
#5 Explain how their lives will change
More than anything else, your children will want to know how their day-to-day lives will be affected.
First and foremost, they are likely to want to know where they will live and with whom. But they may also have many other practical questions, from who keeps the family pets to how they will spend Christmas.
Be as honest as you can when answering these questions.
Ideally, you should sort out the practical arrangements before having the conversation, so you are ready for what they may ask. But if you do not know the answer to something yet, it is better to say so than to make promises you cannot keep.
#6 Reassure your children
Learning that their parents are getting divorced can be very unsettling, even if your children were expecting it.
Children may worry that they somehow caused the divorce. They may even fear that you will not love them anymore. Part of your job in this conversation is to reassure them that this is not the case.
Explain that there is nothing they did that caused your decision to divorce. Equally, there is nothing they could have done to stop it.
Most importantly, reassure them that you and your ex love them and will always be there for them. Your family structure may be changing, but you will always be their parents.
#7 Allow them to express themselves
Your children may not react in the way you expect.
Some children may cry, get angry, or plead with you to change your mind. Others may seem to have very little reaction at all. That is normal too.
Children do not always know how to process intense emotions, and shutting down can be a way of protecting themselves.
Whatever their response, let them know that their feelings are valid and that you are there to support them.
#8 Encourage future conversations
Breaking the news about the divorce should be the first of many conversations.
Each child will process the information differently. Some may have lots of questions straight away, while others may need time before they are ready to talk.
Let your children know that the door is always open and that you will answer any questions they may have. At the same time, try not to involve them in the financial issues that may arise during the divorce process.
