Deciding to get a divorce never feels simple. However, there are ways that you and your ex-partner can make the process as easy as possible for your children.
When to get a divorce with kids
As with any divorce, you need to have been married for a year before you can divorce.
During this time, you can draft a legally binding separation agreement. This can help when you come to finalise your divorce later on.
Child custody after separation
The main concern with children is often custody and childcare arrangements. If your separation is amicable, you can avoid court hearings by making a separation agreement.
This can cover where the children will live and how much time they spend with each parent. You can choose to make this legally binding and include details such as child maintenance.
You can also create a parenting plan so both parents are on the same page going forward.
If you cannot agree on elements of custody, you will need to speak to a mediator, who will try to help you reach a compromise. You cannot apply for a court hearing without trying mediation first. The exception is in cases of domestic abuse.
Finalising custody
Once you have agreed the terms, a solicitor can help with a consent order. You will need to complete the C100 court form to make a consent order legally binding. You will send the original form and 3 copies, along with your consent order, and you will need to pay a £215 court fee.
If a judge does not think the consent order is in the children’s best interests, they may change it or make a different order altogether.
If you cannot agree, you can get support from local organisations. You can also discuss the issue with your divorce solicitor if you want to resolve matters outside of court. Otherwise, you can ask the court to decide on anything you cannot agree on.
Court orders can also cover specific issues, such as the child’s religious upbringing or type of education. You can apply for a prohibited steps order to stop your spouse from making certain decisions.
How long does it take?
Finalising custody will take longer if you cannot agree. You may go through mediation, create a court order and attend multiple hearings until a judge decides what is best for your children.
The sooner you can agree and reach a compromise, the quicker the process will be. It also means your child is less likely to have to give a statement about who they would prefer to live with, which can be upsetting.
How to tell your children
No one wants to be the bearer of bad news, but it is best to be honest with your children about your separation. Knowing how the separation will progress and offering clear boundaries can help.
It can also help to know which partner will leave the property, where they will be living and when the children will see that parent after they have moved out.
Agreeing boundaries and behaviours between you as parents will help children feel more secure.
Reassure your children that you are still a family, that they will continue to have a relationship with both parents and that their behaviour has had no impact on your relationship as a couple. Encourage them to share their feelings, even if it feels uncomfortable for you.
How to help your children cope with divorce
It is always best to aim to be amicable with your spouse, even during separation. Although this can be difficult, especially as divorces can take a while to finalise, it is important to try to remain neutral when it comes to your children. Try not to draw your children into arguments or make them pass messages to your spouse. Children can feel pressured to pick sides and may try to keep everyone happy, which puts more strain on them.
Agree to communicate with your spouse directly, without involving your children.
Further support
The Children and Family Court Advisory and Support Service (Cafcass) sends an adviser to help during the hearing. They can also help you create a parenting plan.
The Centre for Separated Families has a wealth of information to support you during your divorce. If there are concerns about your spouse seeing your children, you can also use the National Association of Child Contact Centres.
Sorting Out Separation is another support service for those dealing with a relationship breakdown.
